Please note that , obviously, I haven’t taken all of these pictures myself, but since I’m not sure who’s taken what, I’d rather say thank you to everybody who sent me pictures. Thanks, I miss you a lot!

Just after I came back, Sunny took me to some kind of exhibition. Hi.

I spent a lot of time with these guys, here a the old British Embassy in Gaoxiong.

Jana and Sunny, whom I’ve spent by far the most time with last semester, here teaching English.

Taiwanese people like group photos.

Preparations for Jana’s birthday treasure hunt.

My room mates!

The courtyard below our apartment looks nice…

…but turns quite ugly at night. This is Taiwan in a nut shell.

A nice, big living room.

Kitchen! At least the way it looked before the cockroach invasion.

My room, including a bathroom, which was really nice to have.

The only time everything looked this nice was when I moved in.

A collage of pictures given to me when I left Taipei, it will probably return in another form later.

The view from my window. I decided to leave out the garbage dump slightly to the right.

Klad hest! Teaching Ruby when I was re-visiting Taipei.

Spreading the disease! Vivian, also in Taipei.

This is how fast time passes.

Preparing to have some fun in Kenting. Jana, Sunny and Cecelia.

Still in Kenting, although without all the silly safety equipment.

Yes. Taiwanese people really, really like group photos.

The above paragraph is a good summary of how I feel right now, even though I can easily break that kind of attitude down and show why it’s flawed, at least to myself. I also know that this is a transitory state of mind and that it’s far from how I usually regard life. Because leaving a country is just one aspect of a deeper problem, only the tip of the iceberg. Life in general is very much like this, but does that mean that a negative outlook described above is the only reasonable one?

Absolutely not!

Alan Watts once said that being born is like being thrown over a precipice and we all know that we are going to die at the end of that fall when we hit the ground, and that’s it. Therefore, the point of living is not to accumulate something that has a semblance of permanence, because whatever it is, that will also come to an end when we die.

So, what is the point, then? It is to live and experience things as we fall to our deaths. Since death is an integral part of life, as much as birth is, it should not be feared or have too much influence on the way we live. The point is what we choose to do with the time we have, not what we manage to accumulate during that time. Check the clip below to hear Alan Watt’s describe this by using music as an analogy (the animation is rather silly and of course added by someone else):

Apart from this principle of simply spending time in a way I think is worthwhile, I also try to avoid things that will stop me from doing that in the future. Borrowing huge sums of money to do what you want to do know might make you unable to continue doing things you want to do later, but studying something you enjoy might even earn you some money and make sure you can keep doing things you want to do. Living in Taiwan has mostly been something I do because I enjoy it, but it might also be useful in various ways.

Leaving Taiwan is probably the biggest emotional change in my life and probably the most difficult one as well. The change is a lot bigger than moving to Taiwan in the first place, because I only left Sweden with the intention of coming back again to pick up things where I left them. Sure, I leave Taiwan with the intention of coming back some time in the future for some unknown purpose and duration, but thaẗ́̈́’s only an idea, a concept, not a plan. I know that most of the people I say good-bye to I will never meet again. That indeed is something that has provoked much thought.

Do I regret coming here then, because it now comes to an end? Is it worth falling in love with something or someone, even though you know that you’re rushing towards the ground with every heartbeat and that you are inevitably going to crash?

Of course it is!

I have done very few things in my life that I regret and going to Taiwan is certainly not one of them. I would make that decision a hundred times over without the slightest regret. If I had the choice, I would fall in love with the same people again and I would part with them again, even though it would be painful. The point is what we do with our time, not the inevitable crash at the end, because whatever we do, there will be a final collision of some kind.

I will miss Taiwan a lot, but I will miss some people here more than words can possibly express. I’m not going to write anything about specific people, I think those involved know that without my explaining it here. But precisely as death is a necessity of life, departure is also a necessity of arrival. Life goes on and there is no real reason to feel sad about leaving Taiwan, although I might be difficult for a short time, it’s simply a change among many. The change is neither good or bad, it simply is. Every choice opens some doors and closes others.

Furthermore, the digital society we live has shrunk space a lot, which means that there are no final departures any more. Fifty years ago, you would not be able to read what I think about this so conveniently. Likewise, I would not be able to keep in touch with you, regardless of where we are located on the globe.

I still have time left here in Taiwan, though, even if it’s only a few days, and it’s time to leave the computer to meet yet some people for what might be the last time. This will make me feel a bit sad, but on the whole, I will feel happy to meet them again rather than sad about that it might be the last time. Death and departures are scary concepts when we encounter them without forewarning or reflection, but after a closer look, they are both natural parts of life and nothing to fear.

We might be falling to our deaths, but with the right attitude, the tingling sensation in our stomachs can be interpreted as exhilaration rather than fear.

What actually happened

Now over to the slightly more detailed version. After leaving home on Sunday, I arrived in Hong Kong without any trouble and a friend of mine, Sophia, and her boyfriend Dickson, met me at the airport. They are both working as cabin crew for Cathay Pacific and had just returned to Hong Kong. We went together to Sophia’s apartment, roughly one hour from the airport and the same distance from downtown Hong Kong. Her apartment was in a beautiful and secluded area with beautiful scenery and few things interrupting the tranquility of the place. We had a fantastic meal at a restaurant famous for its goose and didn’t really have time to do much else.

On Monday, Sophia and I went into the city to have a look. Unfortunately, the weather was not too good, with very high humidity, making the night view of Causeway Bay and Central far from as splendid as it could have been. Still, I tend to appreciate people more than places, so I’m certainly not complaining.

The weather was bad, and so is my camera.

The night view as it should have been.

Beneath a steel sky.

All glass, steel and concrete.

My first impression of the city can be summarised in just a few words: sky scrapers, water and hills. Nothing else. This makes the city look impressive and very big, even though it’s considerably smaller than other cities I’ve visited (such as London). It’s a bustling metropolis of glass, steel and water, a combination I like a lot. People speak Cantonese (which I can’t understand a word of), Mandarin or English, so basic communication was never a problem. Sophia is Taiwanese and her boyfriend speaks good Mandarin as well, and spending time with them was a real pleasure.

On Monday evening, I was shocked by the news that in Hong Kong, Tuesday is also a public holiday (it’s not in the rest of China and Taiwan). I thought I had checked this before I left, but obviously I must have made a mistake somewhere. After some nail-biting, I was able to change the ticket to Wednesday evening and even though Sophia left on Tuesday, Dickson was kind enough to change his schedule to allow me to stay one extra night. This meant that two problems that could have been nasty, or at least very expensive, turned out to be fairly enjoyable.

On Wednesday, I left early to get to the visa office in time. I arrived with almost two hours to spare, but that wasn’t enough. In order to be able to collect the visa the same day, one needs to apply before eleven o’clock, but I never imagined that it would take more than two hours just to wait until it was my turn. Fortunately, they were lenient with the time limit and allowed my application even though it was almost half past eleven. I had lunch with a Canadian guy who also was there apply for a visa and had run into some problems and it was nice both to have someone to share the time with, but also to discuss or different problems. Managing something as stressful as this is a lot easier to do with company, even i it’s with a person I’ve never met before and probably will never meet again.

Some reflections

I spent the five hours waiting time walking around in the Central and Causeway Bay area, but drizzling rain kept it from being very enjoyable. It was still nice to have a look at the city, though, and returning to the office later I felt a lot more relaxed. Real relaxation didn’t come until I held the slip of paper in my hand stating that I am entitled to a new visa (they don’t actually issue the visas in Hong Kong, just the pertinent documents). I arrived at the airport almost three hours ahead of time and nothing strange occured. I arrived in Gaoxiong around half past eleven on Wednesday evening and was picked up by Jana and Sunny. Thus my four-day visa adventure to Hong Kong ended happily.

In addition to merely stating what happened, I want to say two things. First, I would like to talk about something which might not be apparent after a superficial glance. Having visa problems in a foreign country is very, very scary. It threatens your basic existence and a life that’s been established over a long time. Even though the risk is slim, the worst possible outcome is being kicked out of the country. I didn’t do anything illegal this time, but arcane bureaucracy and arbitrary rules might make it look like that, which kept me worried until the point where I actually had passed immigration at Gaoxiong International Airport. I can take many kinds of stress very well, but this kind is too much for me and the angst I felt at times was similar to what I felt at the beginning of last semester (see this, this, this, this and this post). Having one’s basic foundation in life threatened is scarier than it seems and probably has to be experienced to fully understand.

Second, I would like to thank some people who helped me get through this ordeal. First and foremost, I want to thank Jana and Sunny for helping me here in Taiwan. I might have managed the language parts without them, but psychologically and socially their support meant more than I think they realise. I would also like to thank Sophia and Dickson for their help and company and Hong Kong. Again, it would have been possible without them, but certainly a lot more lonely and difficult. In addition to these people, there are a couple of others who have helped and supported me and I’m indebted to you as well. Thank you!

I have seldom felt so happy to be back where I belong and to be able to do what I really want to do without interruption. I hope this adventure will enable me to appreciate my time here even more, having alerted me to the fact that my life here perhaps shouldn’t be taken for granted. Having survived all this, I choose to regard it as a valuable lesson, but also as a reminder to cherish what I already have.

The real reason I’m going is somewhat complicated and is related to a need to change the status on my visa from “student” to “student” (apparently, there are two different kinds for studying Chinese and pursuing university studies, which is relevant since I change from the first to the second recently). Such a change can only be made abroad and Hong Kong is closest.

However, thinking that I’m going on vacation is not entirely mistaken either. Knowing that I had to go to Hong Kong, I was lucky enough to time my visit with the holiday of a friends friend who live in Hong Kong. This means that the visa application has turned from a hit-and-run mission of necessity to something which hopefully will be quite enjoyable. At least I won’t be a forlorn stranger force to visit the city and with no wish to do anything else than leaving again.

This visa problem is more complex than I care to state here, but it has been very taxing on my concentration and mental health recently. I’m usually good at getting things done and focusing on whatever it is I’m doing (studying Chinese, chatting with friends, watching a movie), but during the past two weeks or so, I’ve been unable to do this properly.

At a rational level, I’m no longer worried about the outcome of the visa application, it should merely be a formality because I have all the documents required, but the risk of disaster, regardless of how small, is still present in my mind, and I don’t think I will be able to fully relax and focus on anything else until this problem is out of the way.

If everyting goes to plan, I’ll return to Taiwan on Tuesday night. If I have the opportunity to write an update before then, I’ll do so, but don’t expect to hear anything from me until Wednesday. I hope that by then I will be able to post some pictures from Hong Kong, tell you about how wonderful the trip was and how much better it feels to have all my papers in order once again.

Update (Monday evening): I am now in Hong Kong and everything has worked fine so far, even if the dreaded visa application itself has to wait until tomorrow because of the public holiday. One might say that I have overcome one of the three potential problems (leaving Taiwan and entering Hong Kong), but still have two remaining (acquiring the via and re-entering Taiwan). I’m still anxious, but have no real, rational reason to worry.

Update (Monday night): I’m incredibly stupid, clumsy or both. I must have misread the information on their erbsite, because they have Tuesday off here as well. Tight now I’m trying to change my ticket, hopefully I will be back in Taiwan on Wednesday evening.

Update (Tuesday afternoon): Flight ticket successfully changed to Wednesday, same time as before. I can live here one more night so if the visa application is successful, I will be home tomorrow night.

Update (Wednesday night): I‘m safely back home, I’ll write more after class on Thursday.

Personal life
Education
Creativity
Media
Website
General
Epilogue

Personal life

I started my 26th year in life in Gaoxiong, Taiwan (having moved there only a few weeks before). During the spring term, I spent an awful lot of time studying Chinese at Wenzao, using a kamikaze approach to learning the language. However, since I wanted to apply for a scholarship, I applied for a real university degree program at NTNU. The decision to stay in Taiwan another year was not easy (going to Dubai wasn’t a serious idea, even though some people thought it was) and was further complicated when I didn’t get the scholarship. During my stay in Gaoxiong, I started role-playing with some a couple of foreigner friends, something which boosted my motivation to keep working on Magneter och mirakel.

I spent the summer in Sweden, working, relaxing and trying to recharge my batteries for another year abroad. I left Sweden again in the beginning of September, heading for Linkou outside Taipei. My new life in Taiwan started out in a catastrophic manner, but got a little bit better after I found somewhere to live. Bad class management from the university added pressure, but worked my way up slowly during the first week. I had lots other problems, but after a month, I felt settled in. However, life in the north was a roller-coaster ride, with amazing classmates and friends, but with everything else lacking. I finally decided to move back to Gaoxiong, where I’m currently living.

My life has also been documented in pictures, some of them on Facebook, which I joined in late 2009. Here are some of the pictures published on this website over the year:

Gaoxiong everyday life in pictures
The bright side of campus
Miscellaneous pictures 1
Miscellaneous pictures 2

Education

Even though education has always been important to me, I think it’s even more important here in Taiwan (after all, that’s why I came here in the first place). Since last year, I’ve finished two semesters, one at Wenzao and another at NTNU. Apart from this, I’ve spent a decent amount of time learning Chinese in other ways. Naturally, I’ve improved a lot and my progress can be followed through my proficiency reports (number 4 describes my starting position and number 10 my current level). See my studying Chinese page for more.

In speaking, I’ve gone from being able to communicate to being able to communicate more or less fluently as long as I’m familiar with the topic. I mostly need to correct my language, not learn it from the start. In listening, I’ve reached  a level where I can understand fairly difficult Chinese if it’s not too fast, and I’ve recently felt that I can partake in social chatting even if it’s not aimed at me specifically. In writing, I’ve developed from struggling to make myself understood to being able to write more or less formal Chinese, even though I still struggle with word usage (i.e. using a word that means roughly the right thing, but in the wrong context). In reading, I’ve progressed from being able get the general idea of stories for elementary school children to being able to do the same for ordinary newspapers. I’ve roughly tripled my vocabulary (around 10 000 words now) and can handle most texts apart from very formal or literary ones. In short, I’ve learnt a lot, even though it doesn’t feel like that since I’m so close to the learning process.

I’ve also taken the time to actually write about the learning process and the result is a number of articles pertaining to learning Chinese or to learning languages in general. Here are some of the more important ones:

Chinese regarded as a multi-layered web
Learning to pronounce Mandarin Chinese
Learning Chinese using ZDT’s interval filter
Don’t go abroad for your first year of language studies
He did there confound all the languages of the Earth
Learning Chinese isn’t as hard as you think
The kamikaze approanch to learning Chinese

Creativity

This area of my life is perhaps the one that has been most stagnant during the past year (along with physical activities). Sure, I did finish the first part of my novel and I have planned for the rest, but it’s very far from completion. Together with a friend I also launched a new text-based role-playing game with the same setting as the novel, although we have only played a dozen or so sessions. And yes, I have started thinking seriously about the setting of that story, but to be honest, I thought that I would be a lot farther down the road now. During the summer, I started writing articles to the new version of Haragada, even though that project is also far from completed.

Still, I have accomplished one thing which didn’t require that much effort (most of the work was done from 2004 to 2008 or so): I have finished writing Magneter och mirakel. I have some feedback that has to be attended to, but I can say that I’m finished with the game I started writing almost six years ago. This is very important for me and I will write more about it later. The game will not be published any time soon, however, because I need illustrations and layout to do that, but the text is completed.

Media

As usual, I haven’t only written things, I have also consumed a fair amount of media, mostly in the form of books. Since I’ve already talked about the individual books/films in their respectve reviews, I’ll just provide the best books and films I read during my 26th year in life. They are sorted roughly in order of importance.

Books (out of 61 in all)
China Miéville – The City & the City
Mark Lynas – Six Degrees
Cormac McCarthy – The Road
Tove Jansson – Vem ska trösta knyttet? and Sent i november
The Umbrella Academy – The Apocalypse Suite and Dallas
Salman Rushdie – The Satanic Verses and Shalimar the Clown
Matthew Glass – Ultimatum
Aldous Huxley – Brave New World
Connie Willis – Bellwether

Films (out of 18 in all)
Cape No. 7
Le Fabuleux Destin d’Amélie Poulain
Chinatown
City of God

Website

Snigel.nu saw some major changes as well. A new design was implemented during the summer and I spent lots of time creating a more organised Chinese section. I reached a total number of 1000 posts in July, which is incredible. Posting frequency has decreased a little bit since then, but is now on the rise again. I also took the time to tag all posts, making it a lot easier to find similar or related posts.

Important content has been added mainly through the Chinese section, but also in a series of reflections on life, literature and the pursuit of dreams. Here are some of my favourites:

The backside of perfectionism
The magic coffee shop
Unique reading experiences
Role-playing in English

General

There are some things I’d like to bring up that doesn’t really fit in the above categories and doesn’t deserve their own. Firstly, I haven’t spent very much time on any specific sport during last year. Sure, I’ve kept in shape and had a good time, but I haven’t reached any of my goals. Recently, I have started working towards them in a more structured fashion, but I’m still far from most of them. Next year, I hope to be able to show some real results. Perhaps I should note that I’ve decreased in weight from around 79 kilos last year to about 75 now.

Since last summer, I’ve spent quite a lot of time with Rubik’s cube. I’ve learnt a lot, although I still regard this as something I do when I’m on the bus, waiting for someone or similar situations (sometimes I do spend high-quality time on the cube, but not that often). For instance, I’ve lowered my personal best for the ordinary cube to 33 seconds, learnt to solve the 4×4 and the megaminx. I can also solve the 3×3 blindfolded about fifty percent of the time.

Epilogue

As opposed to last year, there were no major changes in my 26th year in this world, I merely continued doing what I did last year. In some areas I’ve done well (studying), others not so well (writing, physical training). I’ve also spent another year in Taiwan and generally speaking, life as been very good to me. I hope and trust it will continue to be so in the future, even after I go back to Sweden. Recently, I’ve felt a surge of energy and motivation to do get more from life, and it’s surfing this wave I enter my 27th year. I’m hopeful and confident it will carry me wherever I want to go, regardless of where I happen to be in the world! So, happy birthday to me…

…and there was much rejoicing!

Ready for action! It’s time for 滑罐. I like the James Bond pose. This method involves applying low pressure to various parts of the skin and then moving the cup producing this pressure around. It’s supposed to increase circulation and all kinds of stuff, but I’m not really an expert. Since I played lots of badminton and my back was sort of wrecked, I thought I’d give this a try.

Good someone is happy, at least! To be honest, this didn’t hurt at all…

…although it looks horrible.

Having completed the 滑罐, he went on to do some normal massage, which was really nice. Thanks for everything!

This is what it looked like later that evening. I was quite shocked myself, actually, because even though people had told me what it looked like, this was really the first time I saw it with my own eyes (so to speak).

My classmates (and teacher), whom I’ll miss sorely.

Class out in the sunshine! It would be a crime to waste sunlight when it rains so much.

On the way to Taipei after our last class on Friday.

Spreading the disease!

Meisui after washing her hands. It’s either this or zombie style, but I like both.

From the dinner with Peicen’s coworkers (she couldn’t go, she was in Thailand).

Very shy, but also very cute.

大哥 and I. And about the shirt, it’s Ian’s and the theme for the evening involved flowers.

The dinner was quite nice in general, but I had way too much to eat. The company was a lot better than the food!

Everybody, I think.

From another dinner, with Peicen and coworkers.

Christmas! Yeah, I know the chronolgy isn’t the best.

Playing with my phone, lots of mist and street lights at midnight.

Peicen in the fog.

There are trees in Linkou, but they can be quite hard to find (assuming that you don’t leave the built up area, because then everything turns either to trees or fields). This is a particularly nice one.

The pond on the campus is nice, as I’ve said before; I found it extra beautiful in this light.

Walking around in Linkou one winter day when for once it didn’t rain, I stumbled upon this place, which lies secluded behind buildings I’d seen almost every day, but never cared to look closer at.

Same place as above, and in the background you can see the buildings walling the place in.

Not the same place, but it’s still nice what random wanderings can reveal.

The pond at the campus again, this time in mist. The mist (or humidity) is generally speaking really annoying, but it can also be very beautiful.

Another example of the fascinating combination of mist and water.

The pond again. I wish the weather was as comfortable as it is beautiful.

This is an example of what goes for efficiency here. The exam in question consists of letting a single student score as many points in basketball as possible in thirty seconds. This might be stupid in itself, but having all the other student watch (and thus waste an entire class just doing that) goes beyond me; I simply can’t understand this.

This must be the most depressing place I’ve ever seen when it comes to classrooms. Of course, it’s not a real classroom, but rather turned into one for the purpose of holding final exams. Still, it makes me depressed now, even though I didn’t have to take any exams even close to this place.

I started calling this place The Dungeon, although it’s supposed to be a gym.

I trusted only things with no movable parts here, most equipment was stained with rust and wearing gloves was a must. I heard rumours of bars that had snapped, so I only took refuge here when I really couldn’t do my workout outside.

用英文寫完之下，我也提供中文版，所以如果你對中文比較熟，也可以按這個連結來看中文版。內容不是一模一樣，但是大概意思是相同的。如果兩個語言都行，請看英文的，因為內容跟我心裡想說的比較接近。

The really short version

These are the two decision: first, I’m not going to complete my university studies in Taiwan, instead I’m going back to Sweden to complete my degree this autumn. Second, I’m moving back to Gaoxiong to study at Wenzao next semester.

The short version

For various reasons, I’ve decided that I don’t have either the time or the money to stay in Taiwan for a bachelor’s degree. As a result of this, after weighing the different alternatives carefully, I think that going back to Wenzao is a better alternative than staying in Linkou for what might be my last semester in Taiwan. Linkou has many things I like: my classmates, whom I will miss sorely; good teachers and high-standard education. However, staying in Linkou also comes with some problems, such as the remoteness and isolation of the place itself, the generally depressing state of the campus and the fact that studying for a bachelor’s degree in a Taiwanese university suit neither my personality nor my learning style.

On the other hand, going back to Gaoxiong and Wenzao offers some serious benefits, apart from escaping the problems mentioned above. It would allow me a freer learning environment where I can control what I do to a much higher extent. The class I will be attending will have very few students (three, at the moment), which means more direct interaction with the teacher. I think the level of the courses might be equal at both institutions. Moving to Gaoxiong will also mean that I’ll live with Taiwanese friends, which is a bit of a wild card, but which I hope will turn out to be very good. On the negative side, it’s more expensive than staying in Taipei and it also mean additional trouble to move yet again. These, however, are practical matters that I can handle.

Comparing these two alternatives and trying to find as much pertinent information as possible, I’ve come the conclusion that moving to Gaoxiong is better than staying in Linkou. I’m terribly sad to leave my class mates (you’re all awesome, and some of you write really beautiful characters, too), but I know you will continue to be awesome without me.

The not so short version

This decision is in reality two, one about the role of Chinese in my future career and one about how to best learn the language here in Taiwan. The first question is by far the most important one, and the second can in a sense be said to be a result of the first. Career choices are long-term and stretch far into an unforeseeable future, but before I take you there, let me start by talking a little bit about the past.

The iceberg

Since I was about eighteen or so, I’ve known that teaching is a career that would suit my personality and ability fairly well. I first started studying psychology at university, but then changed programmes and began studying to become a language teacher instead. Down this road I’ve walked ever since, because not even a three-year foray into the realm of Chinese should be regarded as a different path altogether, just a more indirect way of reaching the same goal. But is it really that easy? What if this road turned out to be so interesting and important that it became a goal in itself? What if “Chinese” turned out to be more important than “teach” in the phrase “I want to teach Chinese”?

That’s the question I’ve been pondering for a couple of weeks now. What do I really want? Has this Chinese detour become the real road? Am I prepared to stay here for three and a half years and earn my degree, and only then contemplate returning to Sweden to try to make a living on my then hopefully adequate language skills? In short, have I, perhaps unconsciously, changed course in my life, away from teaching and towards pure language?

The answer to that question is “no”. It’s not an obvious or self-evident “no” by any means; behind that single word lies a long and sometimes angst-ridden thought process. However, the answer is a certain as it’s ever likely to become (it might grow less certain in the future, but let’s worry about the present for now). I want to be a teacher and to be that in Sweden, I need to graduate from the teachers’ programme.

In practical terms, this means that I will go home to Sweden this summer, and I will stay there for the foreseeable future. After graduating, if I feel that Taiwan is pulling me back, well, then I might have to change course again (for instance, I might consider studying for a master’s degree here), but that’s not the issue right now. If I’m truly so interested in Chinese that I’m willing to base my career on it, I’m sure I’ll know that after having been back to Sweden for a couple of years. I’m still young, the sky is the limit, as they say. In any case, I’m not prepared to sacrifice the relative certainty that being a teacher offers, for something which might well be more interesting, but also a lot less secure.

What I’ve just described is the true conundrum here, the question I couldn’t get my head around until very recently. The reason for this was that the larger question was mostly under the surface, and the tip of the iceberg was actually something altogether different: The question whether I wanted to move back south to Gaoxiong or stay in Linkou. This smaller question hid something much bigger that needed to be taken care of first. Since I’ve done that now, let’s look at the tip of the iceberg, which simply is an extension of the above argument.

The tip of the iceberg

Since the link between these two questions wasn’t obvious for me, I think I’d better explain it to make clear what took some serious thinking for me to figure out for myself.

If I stay in Linkou, it means (disregarding everything but the big picture) that I have the possibility to continue studying in Taiwan and earn my university degree here. However, staying in Linkou doesn’t necessarily entail that I will stay in Taiwan longer than one year, but it does include the option of doing so if I want to. By contrast, moving back to Gaoxiong and studying at Wenzao for another semester, precludes the option of graduating from a Taiwanese university. I cannot stay in this country forever, hopping between different cities and language centres. If I stay here for an extended period of time, I need some real proof of all the effort I’ve invested in learning Chinese. A degree is the only unambiguous and useful proof of that.

So, having decided that I’m not staying in Taiwan longer than this semester, the second choice (the tip of the iceberg) becomes easier to understand: either I spend another semester in Linkou, or I study at Wenzao next semester and then go back home. Even though it’s smaller, this choice was a lot harder to make, and I would be lying if I said that I’m one hundred percent sure I’m doing the right thing. Rationally speaking, I know moving is a good idea, but since I’m human and not a machine, it’s a lot more complicated than that. Let’s examine the two options and what they have to offer.

About staying in Linkou

The most important reason to stay in Linkou is, without any doubt whatsoever, my classmates and other friends here. I know that whatever happens next semester, I’d have a great time while in class, and I will learn a lot at the same time. In addition to this, the education offered in Linkou is fairly predictable (even though we will change teachers, I still no roughly what to expect). I know that the education is of high quality. Furthermore, staying in the north is a lot cheaper, recognising the fact that I have a scholarship there and the tuition fee is lower.

There are some arguments for not staying in Linkou as well. Generally speaking, I’m not too happy with studying for a bachelor’s degree at a Taiwanese university, because it feels very much like being back in junior high (attitude, courses, environment, teaching style; here is one example). I realise that this is what it’s like here, but I’m afraid that doesn’t make it any better. Furthermore, I think the campus itself is depressing in many ways (dirty, dilapidated, distant) and Linkou itself feels a bit like the end of the world (and we live at the very end of Linkou!). Last, but not least, the schedule is quite tightly packed, meaning lots of class time and much homework. I feel like I haven’t got time to study Chinese, which sounds self-contradictory, but is nonetheless true. I learn better if I have more control over what I’m studying, but as it is now, there is hardly any time for that. Also note that going anywhere else than Linkou takes at least an hour, which naturally makes it even more difficult to expand my horizons, either geographically or socially speaking.

About going back to Wenzao

There are some arguments in favour of moving back south. Firstly, it would mean returning to an institution I have very fond memories of; I didn’t leave Gaoxiong last time because I was unhappy with my life there. I know the college can provide me with courses more suitable to my personality and learning style. Secondly, if I move back south, it would mean living with two Taiwanese students (one of my friends from last year and her current room mate). It’s of course difficult to say how important this is and what kind of impact it will have on my studies and my life, but I would be surprised if it didn’t trump living alone in Linkou.

Added to that, I’m a social person, I need people around be to be happy. The only reason I live alone now is that I don’t want to live in the dormitory, (see the comments about the campus above). Living with my friends in Gaoxiong might make me happier at the same time as enabling me to understand Taiwan and the Chinese language on a deeper level. Furthermore, I do of course already have other friends in the south, and they do also play a big part in all this. I would not move into social terra incognita, like I’ve done my previous three moves in Taiwan.

I’m aware that my girlfriend hasn’t been mentioned here, and that’s no accident. Our relationship hasn’t been working very well since I came back to Taiwan last year, and it didn’t work at all towards the end of last year. Moving might or might not improve this, but I want to make it very clear that she is not the reason why I’m moving.

Naturally, there are also drawbacks with moving again, otherwise I wouldn’t need to write such a long post about what I’m going to do. Please read the first part of that sentence again, the keywords are “moving again”. I have moved six times in two years, do I really want to make it seven times in two and a half? Sure, in the ancient past, I said that I wanted to be more like a snail with its house on its back, but I feel more like I have no home at all rather than always carrying it with me. Leaving Linkou would mean more uncertainty, even though it would be significantly less unknown than any of my previous moves in Taiwan. I know roughly what I will get if I move.

Another negative factor is money: going back south costs more money than staying in Linkou; my rough calculations tell me about NT$40.000, which is a bit less than 10,000 Swedish crowns. That’s not an astronomical sum, especially not when compared with living in Sweden, but it is still a factor. On the other hand, my decision to stay in Taiwan one semester and not more, means that I’m prepared to spend some extra money to optimise the time I have left here. In addition, I won’t go home this winter vacation, and will thus save approximately NT$30.000. I’m not a rich man, but I think I know when to spend money and when to be thrifty.

Final decision

Rationally speaking, I think there are some factors above that cancel each other out, and the social aspect might be one of them. I’m sure I’d be very happy staying in Linkou with my current classmates and friends (I feel a sting of sadness just by thinking about leaving you!), but on the other hand, I know that I can be happy in Gaoxiong as well. It doesn’t feel like that now, because Linkou is where I live now and thus very close, but I really think that both choices should be equally good, socially speaking.

So, what it eventually boils down to is paying more money to get a better learning environment. I’m convinced that I would learn more Chinese and be more satisfied with my studying if I went back to Gaoxiong; this is beyond any doubt. On the other hand, as explained above, it would also be more expensive. Is it worth paying that sum of money to get these extra benefits? Yes, of course it is.

Oh, if only humans were fully rational! Then I wouldn’t have had to spend weeks making up my mind. Alas, I cannot base something like this simply on cold logic, so I thought that if I went to Wenzao to talk to them about this, perhaps I would be able to feel what would be the right thing to do. More importantly, I needed to go to my friend’s place to see if the apartment looked okay, that it was a place I felt comfortable living and that the location wasn’t too off (hard to beat Linkou in that regard, though). I hoped that after doing these things, I would feel what was the right thing to do.

And I do. I feel that moving south again is the right choice. There are too many advantages with moving back. Perhaps moving in with Taiwanese friends is reason enough, because it would be something new, something I haven’t done before, but apart from this, I think the overall study situation will improve. I also know that there are many things in the north I fundamentally dislike, although I’ve grown used to them and come to accept them; moving would alleviate these problems, if not remove them entirely, and allow me to focus on what I like most here, studying Chinese.

I’m truly, honestly sad about leaving my classmates and my other friends in Linkou, but that’s a sacrifice I have to live with. They will no doubt move on without me and even though I think my cube puzzles will be missed in A班, I think my leaving won’t really hurt the wonderful atmosphere in that group. I’m very fond of you all and I hope I’m welcome to visit you whenever there is time.

Personally, I’m on the road yet again, and I need to find again that warm feeling I’ve had recently in class, I need to settle down in a new environment and I need to move on. I hope that those involved can understand my decision and I hope I can keep in touch with those who matter most to me in the north. Thanks for everything and see you soon?

該是時候往前走

最近，我作出兩個特別重要的決定，現在想要與大家分享這決定與緣由。等到今天才宣佈的原因是我之前不太清楚自己到底想要做什麼，也為了讓想知道原因的人有機會理解我的想法，再者我也需要時間好好地考慮。這兩個決定格外困難，但我希望大家會了解我的想法。

原本我用英文寫這一篇文章，所以如果你對英文比較熟，也可以按這個連結來看原文。內容不是一模一樣，但是大概意思是相同的，可是英文版比較詳細，並且有圖片及連結。

非常短的版本

這是以上提出的兩個決定：第一、我不會因想得到臺灣的大學的學位而留在這裡四年，反正下個學期之候，就回去瑞典完成我那邊的課程。第二、因為我留在臺灣只剩一個學期，我認為在師範大學繼續念書不如回去高雄讀文藻外語學院，所以我下個學期要再搬家。

很短的版本

因為缺乏時間及金錢，因此我覺得我無法完成臺灣大學的學業。因此經過深思熟慮之後，我決定回去高雄，用我可能是最後一個在臺灣的學期在文藻繼續念中文。在林口有許多開心及不捨的回憶：同學（你們真的太好了），其它臺灣朋友（讓我喜歡臺灣及臺灣人）和老師（能夠耐心得使我瞭解語言與文化）。不過，留在林口也有一些不太喜歡的事情，例如：學校地點偏僻，讓我感到憂鬱的校院（雖然表面上很漂亮，但仍有很多不好的部分）。最重要的原因是我發現我的個性與學語言的方式不適合在臺灣念大學課程，有那種回到國中的感覺。

另一方面，除了逃避以上的留在林口的壞處之外，回去高雄在文藻念書有許多的好處。在國語中心學中文比較自由，讓我自己會掌握學習的過程。由於學生比較少（我要參加的班現在只有三個學生），因此老師能夠專心地幫助學生解決他們的問題。文藻與師大的課程程度差不多，但是文藻的好像比較實用的。搬家到高雄之候，我要跟兩個臺灣人一起住，雖然現在不得而知會如何，但我覺得比在這裡一個人住好多了。當然去高雄也有壞處，像再搬一次家很麻煩，而且花費比留在林口多（在文藻沒有獎學金，並且學費貴得多）。

基於上述的種種原因並經過考量之後，我才做出要搬回高雄的決定，這當中我也猶豫了很久也為此輾轉難眠好幾夜。由於我下個學期不會跟現在的同學一起上課，因此我感到格外難過（你們都很棒，其中還有同學能寫出非常漂亮的漢字），雖然我要離開但我相信你們依然能夠繼續保持下去。

不太短的版本

乍看之下，似乎僅需作一個選擇（下個學期要做什麼），後面其實有另外一個更困擾的難題：我將來生涯的重點到底是什麼？是否要搬家到高雄是個既重大又迫切的決定，但是生涯的規劃是個更長遠的決定。為了讓你們瞭解我未來要做什麼，我需先用過去的日子來闡釋現在的情況。

冰山

從十八歲左右開始，我知道當老師可能比較適合我的個性和能力。雖然我先念了一年的心理學，但是一年之後，我還是對教育學比較有興趣，因此我轉系了。從那時起我依著當老師的計劃走，來臺灣讀書並不是個意外。雖然這不是我原來想到的做法，但卻是殊途同歸。不過真的是那麼簡單嗎？假設我在臺灣發現了這過程因為非常有趣而成為重點，假設「我想要教中文」的「中文」比其中的「教」還重要，那怎麼辦？

最近我花許多時間考慮這個問題，也跟別人討論。我到底想要做什麼呢？念中文的路途轉道是否成為幹線？為了得到臺灣大學的文憑，而留在臺灣多三年半值得嗎？總而言之，我有沒有將原來當老師的目標變成用中文來謀生？

答案是「不是」、「沒有」不過這個答案一點也不明顯；那兩個字的後面隱藏了許久的猶豫不決。雖然答案是很難得到的，不過還是很必然的（回去瑞典的時候，有可能這一方面會該變）。我想要在瑞典當老師，所以我需要回去完成那邊的大學課程（在這裡得到文憑不夠），才會再考慮中文與臺灣這一部分。

實際上，我因為這個夏天要回去瑞典而且會一直待到畢業為止。畢業之後，若是感到臺灣的吸引力很強，那我才考慮要不要為了得到碩士而回來這裡。回瑞典之後，我會更加確定是否真的對中文有興趣。我仍然年輕，畢業之後會有機會改變想法。無論如何，我不打算為得到臺灣的文憑而犧牲在瑞典的學業。

冰山一角

原則上，決定要回去瑞典對下個學期要做什麼的想法很重要。意思是，我一點都不重視文憑，因此我會專心學得中文。一個住在高雄的朋友尋找室友使我開使考慮到回去那邊否則對我的學習的情況有幫助。雖然這因素比以上的小得多，不過還是很困難決定。

留在林口

在國華系的同學及其它住在台北的朋友絕對是讓我想留在林口最大的因素。假設下學期繼續在師大念書，那我就知道這一方面會是很棒的；我非常喜歡你們，再者可以跟你們一起學到更多中文。另外，我想秋天的教育品質應該算是不錯的，所以有可能下學期會一樣好（但是不一定，因為要換老師）。最後留在林口的好處就是因為有學校的獎學金，而不用花那麼多錢。

留在林口當然也有些壞處（否則我不需要考慮是否回高雄的這個難題）。一般來說，我發現我不太喜歡在臺灣的學校念這樣的課程，因為感覺是我回去了瑞典的國中（環境，態度，課程，教法都令我想到好幾年之前念的國中）。我當然明白臺灣與瑞典的制度不一樣，但是我好像無法習慣這樣的教學方式。另外，林口的校園是一個令人憂鬱的地方（偏僻、肮脏、破爛的）。如果校園位於林口醫院那邊附近，那就可能沒有任何問題, 但是校園却是在林口最沒有人煙、最不便利的地方。最後，我有一種沒有時間真的學中文的感覺，因為有那麼多課程、作業，而且如果想要去別的地方，也需要花很多時間在坐公車（結果學習時間更少）。如果我只能再留在臺灣一個學期，我不要只加強閱讀與聽力，我想要有時間自己選擇要加強學習的方向。

回去高雄

回去南部也有一些好處。第一、我已經對文藻熟悉，知道那裡的課程適合我。去年選擇離開高雄並不是因為我不喜歡讀於文藻，是為了申請大學而北上。第二、若是回去高雄，我也會跟兩名臺灣人一起住（一個我去年認識的朋友跟她的室友）；我無法確定跟她們一起住會怎樣，不過絕對是比現在一個人住好多了。其實，我現在會一個人住是因為我不喜歡住在宿舍裡，而且很討厭坐公車（排除住在台北）。第三、我也有些我很想念住在高雄的朋友，所以雖然離開這裡的人令我難過，但我也會找回之前失去的好朋友。

看到這裡，應該有人想問我想要搬家跟女朋友有沒有關係（她住高雄）？我故意在前面沒有提出這個問題，因為這原因不重要。我去年回來臺灣之後，我們的關係好像沒有之前的那麼好；並且最近越來越不好。我不知道搬家對我們倆人會有什麼樣子的影響，但是我確定知道這不是我想要回高雄的理由。

回去有什麼壞處呢？最重要的是，我之前搬家太多次了，那為什麼要再一次離開我習慣的地方？這樣飛來飛去使我很累，好像從來沒有真的「這是我家」的感覺。不過，這一次不是去新的城市，所以希望沒有那麼辛苦。另外，回去高雄比較貴，我估計需要多花四萬元（包括那邊沒有獎學金）。若是這是我在臺灣最後一個學期，我應該選擇對我最好的方法，既使貴一點。

最後決定

在冷靜的思考後有些正負因素會相抵，尤其是社交這一方面。假設留在林口的話，我知道朋友與同學會讓我很開心（這是讓我留在林口最重要一點喔！），不過雖然現在沒有這種感覺，我也知道搬家之後會再找回之前的朋友，並且會遇到新的。由此可見兩個選擇的結果大概是差不多的。所以，為了得到好一點的學習環境而付多一點的錢值得嗎？答案很清楚：當然是值得！

可惜人類不是十分理性的！那麼，我不需要經過幾個禮拜的考慮才決定。這樣大的選擇，我不能只用冷冷的邏輯來決定，因而，我想到了，如果去文藻跟他們討論，然後去看看我的朋友，看看房子情況如何，那可能會感到我想要做什麼。去高雄之前，我希望心裡的感覺是跟頭腦想的是相同的。去高雄之後，就是這樣，我很清楚地知道搬家是最好的選擇。

我的中文能力不夠好，所以我無法表示離開在林口及台北的朋友讓我有多難過，可是仍然有兩個補救的辦法：一、其實，臺灣很小，高雄離台北不會很遠；二、我知道雖然可能有人上課時會想念我的魔術方塊這類的玩具，但是我絕對知道我離開的事不會壞了上課的那種好氣氛。其它的朋友：我一定會回來台北看你們，而且如果有機會，歡迎你們來高雄看我吧！我希望大家能瞭解我的想法及決定，但是如果有問題或意見，請留言。謝謝你們的耐心看完我冗長的文章！

Then it naturally follows that just because there is a vacation (such as the winter vacation that started a couple of days ago), it doesn’t mean that my situation becomes radically different. Sure, it does mean that the pressure decreases and I gain more control of what I’m doing (something which has been sadly lacking lately), but remember, I’m already doing what I want to do! Why change? Instead of sleeping ten hours a day, eating and drinking nothing but cookies and pearl tea, and spending the rest of the time idling online, I have some things I really want to do (this post only covers productive and study related topics, so don’t thin that I’ll be staying at home for five weeks):

- Finish Magneter och mirakel
- Novel and/or short fiction writing
- Finish going through the Far Eastern 3000 Character Dictionary
- Read up on study efficiency (Study Hacks and Scott H. Young would be a good start)
- Fight down my Chinese character revision queue to zero again
- Read and write more extensively in Chinese
- Complete the first eight-week cycle of my exercise program and plan the next step

As you can see, at least some of these are no clear-cut goals that can be ticked off, but that’s okay, because this isn’t a to-do list; I simply want to make clear what I’m doing at the moment. Some of these projects have been abandoned for too long, others deserve completion for other reasons. A five-week winter vacation is not a time to start hibernating, it’s the time to, in a wakeful state, continue pursuing my dreams.

At first, I thought that I would go home to Sweden for a month or so, relaxing, recharging batteries and making sure that I’m ready to launch myself into another semester at the end of February. Things have changed a bit, and now I don’t think I will go home at all during the winter vacation.

Why? As usual, there are a number of reasons. Going home is expensive, takes a lot of time and contributes to global warming. All these can be motivated if the cause is good (except perhaps the last one), but I feel that I don’t have any really good reason for going home. I’m sure I will go back to Sweden this summer, so why go back now? It feels wasteful to leave Taiwan for a month, then return only for four months and then leave again. Better then to take the opportunity to learn more Chinese and spend more time with people here.

My original reason for going home, except for the chance to cool down a bit, was also that it would be exceptionally boring staying here, since most friends are either going home or will be otherwise engaged. That is, if not a misconception, then at least an exaggeration. I’m pretty sure I can keep myself occupied, partly on my own with studying, writing and exercising, but primarily with friends, Taiwanese and foreign. This means that I’m up for almost anything anybody (yes, that means you) might suggest, within reasonable limits. Staying in Taiwan also means that I save a lot of money, so spending some of it making the winter vacation worthwhile by travelling is also an option.

To my friends and family in Sweden: I miss you a lot and I’ve come to realise that more and more, especially during this semester. There are many things in Sweden that make me feel I can never truly live somewhere else permanently, and you are one important factor (I’ll write more about this shortly, as soon as I have time to write something seriously again). Don’t worry, I’ll return to Sweden this summer.

To my friends in Taiwan: Staying here means that I’ve a lot of free time on my hands (and I mean a lot). I hope this will be an opportunity to get to know you as well as your country and culture better. Don’t hesitate if you feel you have any idea on how to make this winter vacation more memorable. Wish me luck for the final exams and see you again when the finals are over!